Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new Bride prepared for their wedding nite. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their love making. She finally announced that she was ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace that he admired so much.

She replied, "Well, yes darling, I do. But what in the world would you need it for at a time like this?"

He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied, "Ain't no way I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains."

I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married,

but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.

A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making love?"

She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now."

Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in the maid, and a mistress to be named later.

A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite."

The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant".

The wife sez "That's close enough!"

Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with crulers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.