Random joke from this category
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
- Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop? - Arnold asked.
- Not very likely - his wife said.
- It's worth a try - Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said:
- Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out:
- Here they are!
- No kidding? - Arnold called back.
- That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.
- They'll be ready Thursday - he said calmly.
One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.
So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that:
- if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you.
So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.
She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.
Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said:
- My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest:
- I had an affair with a woman... almost. The priest says:
- what do you mean almost? The man says:
- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped. The priest replies:
- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:
- I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box! The man replied:
- Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!
God created the mule, and told him:
- you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.
The mule answered:
- To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him:
- you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.
And the dog responded:
- Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him:
- You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.
And the monkey responded:
- Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him:
- You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.
And the man responded:
- Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.
And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her:
- I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife.
- That's true - he replied - as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives.
- How disgusting - she said - you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung.
With a slight grin, he just said:
- Yes, mam I am.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says:
- We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks:
- Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The old man replies:
- No problem at all, Pastor.
- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks:
- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The man replied:
- The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.
- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks:
- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?
- Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks - the young man replied.
- What happened? - inquired the pastor.
- My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.
- You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church - stated the pastor.
- That's OK - said the young man.
- We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either.
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.
After a while one of them said:
- You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Lately, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you think you have family problems.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.
