Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said:

- I'm off. The man should be here soon

Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

- Good morning, madam. I've come to....

- Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you - Mrs. Smith cut in.

- Really? - the photographer asked.

- Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies

- That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment, she asked, blushing:

- Well, where do we start?

- Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!

- Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me

- Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results

- My, that's a lot of..... - gasped Mrs. Smith.

- Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure

- Don't I know it - Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

- This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London

- Oh my God! - Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

- And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with

- She was difficult? - asked Mrs. Smith.

- Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look

- Four and five deep? - asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

- Yes - the photographer said - And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward:

- You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?

- That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.

- Tripod?????

- Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!

A man let out a humongous burp. Nearby, a man loudly says, "How dare you burp before my wife!" The burper replies, "Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!"

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."

She says:

- Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?

He says:

- I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

- My mother-in-law just tried to run me over! - the shaken man told the cop.

- The car hit you from behind - the officer said.

- How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?

- I recognized the laugh! - he replied.

A guy calls the hospital. He says:

- You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!

The nurse says:

- Calm down. Is this her first child?

He says:

- No! This is her husband!

A woman went to the bar with a black eye.

- How'd ya get that? - asked the bartender.

- From my husband - she replied.

- But I thought he was out of town? - he asked.

- So did I! - she said.

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.

- Shit - said the first bloke,

- as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!

- What's the rush? - his mate asked.

- The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me - the bloke replied.

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

- It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell! - said the boy.

- Oh, shit! - said the farmer.

- You've shot the wife!

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled:

- Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!

Another customer who was waiting replied:

- Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!

Then the fun began...