Irish Jokes — most commented jokes

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

"I call my man 'Eight,'" said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."

The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."

The first woman then asked the third woman, "What do you call your man?"

She answered, "'Creme de Menthe.'"

"Why? Isn't that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know.

"Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem."

"What's the matter?" replies Paddy. "Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy. "It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.

Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."

He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.

Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.

The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said.

"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed.

"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

- Priest: Is that you, Tommy?

- Tommy: Yes father, it's me.

- Priest: Who was the woman you were with?

- Tommy: I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation.

- Priest: Was it Brenda O'Malley?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Fiona MacDonald?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Ann Brown?

- Tommy: No.

- Priest: Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it Amy Thomas?

- Tommy: No, father.

- Priest: Was it little Cathy Morgan?

- Tommy: NO father! I cannot tell you.

- Priest: Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat.

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads."

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"