Elderly Jokes — most commented jokes

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

Then the hooker's gramma came and said "Why are all of you girls lined up?"

The girl didn't want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said "We're lined up to buy oranges"

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said "How do you do it, you're so old?!?"

Gramma says - "It's easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!"

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

"One that would fit a Camel."

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone."

The second shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone."

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, "No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator."

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, "A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other"

"WAIT !" interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?"

The reply was simply, "He don't, that's what makes him so mean".

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.

Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldn't do!

The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white triangle. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.

While he napped, two elderly ladies came slowly along the water's edge, clinging to each other and their canes for support. When they saw the strange thing planted in the sand, one lady turned to the other and said, "Eloise, when I was 20, I was scared of it.

When I was 40, I couldn't get enough of it.

When I was 60, I had to pay for it.

And now that I'm 80, I find it growing wild!"

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

"How am I doing?" He asks.

"Three knots," she replies. "Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn't been assigned this crap detail he'd be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was "on point" now.

The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.

Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man's car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it's job.

"Outta the car, old man!" demanded Redding. "But officer, I haven't had anything to drink!" complained the old boy. "Sure, you haven't, oldtimer, sure you haven't", replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn't move. "What the... YOU haven't been drinking, old timer!"

"But that's what I tried to tell you back there, officer!" "Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?" asked Redding. "Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the 'designated drunk' when the place closed down!"

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

You know you're not a kid anymore when...

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
• You call Olan Mills before they call you.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, "did i wake you?"
• You have dreams about prunes.
• You answer a question with "because i said so!"
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're refering to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel "old folks MTV."
• You go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

"Guess what, darling," he said, "Fifty years ago today you and I were wed."

"And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table," she said.

"We were naked as jaybirds, remember?" he blushed. "Oh yes," she giggled, "Why don't we take off our clothes right now?" "All right."

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

"Oooh, darling," she said, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"No wonder," he said, "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"