Dumb Jokes — most commented jokes

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

Unleash the Power of Shift!

My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
→ Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

What happens if I press both shift keys?
→ Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
→ Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

I pressed shift and its stuck down now
→ Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
→ Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
→ Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
→ This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

There are two shift keys, which should I use?
→ Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
→ They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
→ No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
→ Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

- Support: Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- Support: What sort of trouble?

- Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Support: Went away?

- Customer: They disappeared.

- Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Customer: Nothing.

- Support: Nothing?

- Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- Customer: How do I tell?

- Support: Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

- Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- Customer: What's a monitor?

- Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Customer: ...... Yes, I think so.

- Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Customer: ...... Yes, it is.

- Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Customer: ...... Okay, here it is.

- Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- Customer: I can't reach.

- Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Support: Dark?

- Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Support: Well, turn on the office light then.

- Customer: I can't.

- Support: No? Why not?

- Customer: Because there's a power outage.

- Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

- Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

He said it said "File not found".

I told him to do a dir.

I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."

I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

Again he got "File not found".

I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

He said, "I typed just what you told me: 'type autoexecdotbat'."

A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.

When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.

She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?"

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.

"Shut Up", replied Shut Up.

"Stupid", replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

"Shut Up!"

"Stupid!"

The police chief was very riled. He then asked, "Are you looking for trouble?"!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied, "Why yes, how did you know?"