Random joke from this category
Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act.
The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff.
Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana plants.
Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.
Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.
Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.
However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for the gum?"
By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.
In Annandale, Va., two armed men rushed the front door of First American Bank just after manager Dwight Smith opened up.
Unknown to the men, the door had locked automatically behind Smith.
The first robber bounced off the door hitting the second man.
They escaped in their van and have not been captured.
One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:
- Person 1: Gee, I don't get it..
- Person 2: What's wrong?
- Person 1: My card wont work.
- Person 2: Did anything happen to it?
- Person 1: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?' The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" "Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"
