Random joke from this category
Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"
McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"
It was general question time on the "Top of the World" quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant: "Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ...." The Hungarian answered quickly: "Station - S T A T I O N."
Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question: "Old MacDonald had a ...." "Ranch," was the reply, "R A N C H."
Finally the Irishman was asked the same question: "Old MacDonald had a...." "Farm," the Irishman proudly stated.
"Correct," said the host. "Now spell the word farm."
The Irishman thought for a moment. "E I E I O."
Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
→ It has a 12 month waiting list.
What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
→ A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
→ Regular rocks are too heavy.
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
→ Because they're always a little short.
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
→ He's Dublin over with laughter!
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
→ He couldn't afford plane fare.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
→ Patty O'furniture!
How did the Irish Jig get started?
→ Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ...
"Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
- What did you name her?!?
- Denise!
- Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?
- The second one was a boy.
- Oh, and what did you name him?
- Denephew.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
