Dumb Jokes — most commented jokes
Insult Collection 15
If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?
You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Eventually, you will get what you asked for.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!
You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
Insult Collection 16
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world. Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
Insult Collection 17
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can't take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to a mind reader go to a palmist I know you've got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like to break the monotony where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Stupid Insults Part 1
$HOME = /dev/null.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few beads short in her rosary.
A few beans short of chili.
A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
A few birds shy of a flock.
A few blocks short of a filesystem.
A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.
A few chips short of a cookie.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few clues shy of a solution.
A few cold solder joints.
A few ears short of a bushel.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.
A few fish short of a string.
A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
Stupid Insults Part 2
A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few inches short of a foot/yard.
A few kernels short of an ear.
A few kopeks short of a ruble.
A few links shy of a chain.
A few measures short of a staff.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday.
A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.
A few points short of a polygon.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.
A few shrimps short of a barbie.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
A looney tune.
Stupid Insults Part 3
A medical mystery.
A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
A notch off the timing mark.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
A quart low.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ.
A semitone flat on the high notes.
A square with only three sides.
A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo.
A teapot with a cracked lid.
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A walking argument for birth control.
A wind-up clock without a key.
About half smart.
Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
Airhead / bubble-brain.
Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.
Stupid Insults Part 4
All booster, no payload.
All crown, no filling.
All foam, no beer.
All hammer, no nail.
All hat and no cattle.
All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
All icing, no cake.
All lime and salt, no tequila.
All missile, no warhead.
All of his bytes are odd.
All shot, no powder.
All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
All wax and no wick.
Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
An Apple //e on UUCP.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An inch short and a stroke early.
Stupid Insults Part 5
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
As bent as a corkscrew.
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As happy as if he had brains.
As happy as the village idiot.
As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
As much use as a lead parachute.
As quick as a corpse.
As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
As thick as champ. (Irish champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Baler done run out of twine.
Bandwidth limited.
Barney's his hero.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Bats in the belfry.
Stupid Insults Part 6
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
Blown/leaking head gasket.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Brain is running on empty.
Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
Brain transplant donor.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Brings binoculars to submarine races.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Stupid Insults Part 7
Calls people to ask them their phone number.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can only remember her old passwords.
Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Cart can't hold all the groceries.
Cauliflower for brains.
Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Collects cards for Craig.
Communications with him is limited to ping.
Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
Contributes to the population problem.
Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
