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Blondes And A Genie

There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.

"I will grant you each a wish," he said. "Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try."

"I want to be the world's best swimmer" one said, "so can swim off of the island". She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.

"I want to be a bird" one said, and flew away immediately.

The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. "I want to be a man. Maybe that would help." She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.

Camping By The Highway

There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott. They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to stop for the night. Joe suggested they stop where they were right there, a nice clear, wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott disagreed, because there was nothing interesting around, only trees. They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small clear area, right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted to stay there because there was no stumps, or moss around, and the sounds of the cars could help to put them asleep. Scott said no, because he found a small ant farm 500 meters away, and was scared the ants might come, and get them. SO they kept hiking, and finally, they came to the end of the woods, and stepped onto the highway. Scott was mystified, and wanted to sleep right smack dab in the middle of the highway. It was interesting, and he wanted to look at all the different liscence plates, as they drove by. Joe and Rich were so upset, because, obviously, that was the LAST place that they wanted to sleep in! But, they were too tired to argue, so they set up their tent in the middle of the highway and went to sleep. They slept soundly through the night, but were awaked a couple of times by the sound of cars beeping, and crashing. The next morning, they awoke early, and noticed a huge pileup of cars right off the highway, in the spot they had earlier chosen. Feeling proud, Scott said: "See, guys? Imagine what would of happened if we slept there last night!"

Swimming For Shore

Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.

The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.

The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.

The third guy swam 99 miles, and said, "I'm tired. I think I'll swim back."

Actual Product Instructions

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

  • ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
  • ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  • ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
  • FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: Defrost.
  • ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
  • ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
  • ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
  • ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body.
  • ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  • ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
  • ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: Keep out of children.
  • ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
  • ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
  • ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts
  • ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  • ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Day Or Night

- Can you see farther during the day or at night?

- During the day of course.

- Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can see the stars.

Mental Hospital Outing

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!"

Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"