Random joke from this category
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him:
- When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing.
- Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex - said the researcher.
- Would you mind if I had a look at it?
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative?
It's called "Easy Cum, Easy Go".
Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But we'll be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!
From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says:
- For the woman I love
and the second:
- For my best friend.
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..
It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.
It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.
It's always fun to ask at the reception:
- What time's the grand opening?
Or after the honeymoon:
- Glad to see you back on your feet.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said:
- I've found a woman just like mother!
His father replied:
- So what do you want from me, sympathy?
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!
The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.
Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.
There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.
They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.
Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.
Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.
Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.
We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?
Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.
When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen:
- At ten o clock, please report position and depth.
When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.
The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!
When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.
Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, you've got....
John.
To Space
When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.
When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didn't have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.
- To Bed or Bust
- She got him today - He'll get her tonight
- Just living together
- Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy.
- I won't come in your mouth, I promise.
- I'm not really married.
- It's only a cold sore.
- Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality.
- Size isn't important.
- This won't hurt, I promise.
- We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other.
- We'll always be together.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- All the good ones are taken.
- Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
- Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
- Do it only with the best.
- Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
- Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
- Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
- If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law).
- If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
- It is always the wrong time of month.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
- Love comes in spurts.
- Love is a hole in the heart.
- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
- Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
- Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
- Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
- Never say no.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- Nice guys finish last.
- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
- No sex with anyone in the same office.
- Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
- Nothing improves with age.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
- Sex has no calories.
- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
- The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
- The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
- The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
- The younger the better.
- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
- Virginity can be cured.
- What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
- When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
- You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.
The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her:
- Why are you dressed up in black?
The woman replied:
- Well, that's because I'm not a virgin.
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother:
- Mom, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy. - she said
The mother took a deep breath and began:
- When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing...
- I know how to fuck, mother - the bride-to-be interrupted.
- I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!
Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was!
What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
→ A last name.
There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.
He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.
This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.
- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.
- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.
- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...
- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.
- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...
- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.
- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?
- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!
