Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?
→ The Scenic Root.

Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff. Hillary says to Chelsea:

- My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, I'm so proud!

Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question:

- Say, I was just wondering since you're all grown up now. Have you, um, had sex yet?.

Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds:

- Um, not according to dad.!

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.

- I've got a difficult decision - the VP says:

- I either have to Lay You or Jack off.

- Oh? jack-off, - Mary says:

- I've got a headache.

Little Johnny walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said:

- I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said:

- Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!

So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

- I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?

The Doctor leading the tour explains:

- I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.

- Oh, I am sorry, - said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.

- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - what's happening in there?

The Doctor replied:

- Same problem, better health plan.

What is the difference between a newfie and a bucket of shit...
→ The Bucket

Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.

Monica said:

- I need this dress cleaned.

The man said:

- Come again?

Monica replied:

- No, it's just mustard.

A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life... ...until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said:

- ...

- Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to this call.

- This is it! - the swede thought.

- This is what I've been waiting for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich and famous!

And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen. Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell:

- Juhuuu!!

And then he heard it!

- WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!!

- Härregud! - The Swede thought.

- A whole tribe!

And just as he was starting to run to the cave, he thought:

- Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They don't wear any clothes, and I might scare then off.

So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.

And the following day, he was in the headlines all over the world:

- Naked Swede ran over by a train in Africa

There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.

One guy said:

- just name it a pub.

Another said:

- just name it the bar.

The thrid guy said:

- name it Suzy's Legs.

The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs.

The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?

He replied...nothing officer...:

- just waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so I can get a drink!