Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?
→ No more blowjobs.

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girlfriend he'd have it fixed in no time. However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his hands.

His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?"

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

- John: Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?

- Susan: Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

- John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?

- Susan: I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.

- John: Say, you ARE a good sport.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.

And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.

- Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?

- Bob: Darts?

- Bill: Nah.

- Bob: Shoot some pool?

- Bill: Nah.

- Bob: Cards?

- Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and fool around with my wife.

- Bob: Whadaya mean?

- Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around with my wife.

- Bob: What about me?

- Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.

- Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...

- Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!

At Bill's house

- Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. "Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"