Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He says:

- A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse.

One student stands up and says:

- Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit.

Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students:In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIALOPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This courseemphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OFTEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,BOSS IN GENERALSPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
→ Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam.

The first man waded out to her and said:

- Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?

She replied:

- no sir! So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked:

- Did you like that?

- Oh, indeed I did, sir! - she replied.

The second man went out to her and asked:

- Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?

- No sir - she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked:

- How did you like that?

- It was most pleasurable, sir. - she replied.

The third fellow approached and asked:

- Mermaid, have you ever been fucked?

- No sir - she replied. He said:

- Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.

So I said:

- Implants?

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!

Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at 4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up and Charley says:

- Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late.

Paul replies:

- Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick's been hurting bad.

Charley says:

- If your dick's been hurting, why did you go to the dentist?

Paul answers:

- Because I had a tooth stuck in it.

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.

- Shit - said the driver to his passenger. What kind of bug was that?

- Dunno - he replied. But did you see the size of the cock on it?!

How did Captain Hook die?
→ Jock itch.