Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said:

- I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

The blonde said:

- I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.

The milkman replied:

- Oh, OK. Pasteurized?

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said...

- No. Just up to my boobs.

How do you define confusion??
→ A blind lesbian in a fish market!

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks:

- If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?

The first lady thinks for a minute and says:

- Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says:

- 7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says:

- Jack Daniels.

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say:

- Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.

The third lady says:

- Yep, thats my Larry!

THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.

As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.

He walks over and says:

- Good morning, I'm THOR!

She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says:

- YOUR THOR...

I'M SO THOR I CAN'T PITH!

Men are like....
Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like....
Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....
Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like....
Bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ....
Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like....
Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like....
Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like....
Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like....
Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like....
Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like....
Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like....
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like....
Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.

Men are like....
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....
Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ....
Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!

- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says:

- No, that's fine with me.

- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard

- has to work at great depths

- has to work upside down

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work

- has to work in a high humidity environment

- has to work at high temperatures

- does not get weekends and holidays off

- does not get time off after extra hours of work

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row

- does not answer immediately to all requests

- does not have a degree

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work

- shows no fidelity to the workplace

- retires too early

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend

- What are you doing?

- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...

- I've decided to drown the little bastard!

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!" His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says:

- Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to.

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The man scratches his head and says:

- your right, I can't top that. and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says:

- your on

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!