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Big Mix-Up

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy who's only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven--temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, "Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary", and Bill Clinton replies... "Sorry, buddy, you're 15 minutes late!"

Clinton and the Genie

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill "You have one wish."

Bill Clinton cried "But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes!" "Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you," replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said "Bring peace to the middle east." He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said "Nope. Can't do that choose another wish." This next wish came up right away.

"I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do" The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly "Um...can I take a look at that map again?"

Clinton's Favorite Things

Bill's Song

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Least Popular Stephen King Novels

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

  1. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"
  2. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"
  3. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"
  4. "Vacuumstarter"
  5. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"
  6. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee --He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?"
  7. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover"
  8. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's"
  9. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"
  10. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"

Interview with Hillary

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."

Spice Girls Light Bulb

How many Spice Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
→ They can't sing, they can't dance and they look awful. What makes you think they can change a light bulb?

Great Thinkers of Our Time

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."
-- Rev. Jesse Jackson

"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America."
-- President William Jefferson Clinton

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...