Bar Jokes — most commented jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says,

"DiMaggio?"

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...
'What did you do that for!'

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer... and a mop.

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots?"

So the second lady says "I don't know?"

So the first lady says, "All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?"

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.

As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink.
The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink.
The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. "I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much ...so how the hell do you know?"

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."