At Work — most commented jokes

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

• "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
• "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
• "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
• "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
• "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
• "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Oprectomy

KENMORE HOSPITAL
61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
BOSTON, MA. 02115

DATE:____________
NAME:
ADDRESS:

Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for _______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty outlook on life.

Sincerely,
J. Grabber, M.D.
Kenmore Hospital

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
→ He decided to stick it out for one more year!

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.

The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine." She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.

She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.

Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"

The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"