A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
- Our flag symbolizes our taxes - he said.
- We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.
- That's the same with us - the American said.
- only we see stars, too.
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking:
- What are you going to do with the money?
- Take jewelry to city and sell it - said the old man.
- What have you got for collateral? - queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
- Don't know of collateral.
- Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?
- Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.
The banker shook his head:
- How about livestock?
- Yes, I have a horse.
- How old is it?
- I don't know; it has no teeth.
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills:
- Here's the money to pay loan - he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
- What are you going to do with the rest of that money?
- Put it in my pocket.
- Why don't you deposit it in my bank? - he asked.
- I don't know of deposit.
- Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked:
- What you got for collateral?
An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game:
- What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?
The elephant replied:
- Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up.
Two elephants jumped off a cliff.......
BOOM BOOM!
What happened when the elephant sat on the car?
→ Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!
Why did the elephant eat the candle?
→ He wanted a light snack!
An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked:
- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again:
- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said:
- I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish.
So the Indian asked again:
- Who push port-a-potty over cliff?
To which the littlest Indian replied:
- I push port-a-potty over cliff.
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks:
- Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?
The old Indian replied:
- Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief:
- We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
- That's nothing - an American replied.
- We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.
