A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."
Here's a sad one...
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
→ A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.
He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"
Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.
Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.
During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. But I have no idea how they get in there.
A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with, "I'll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me." Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is "I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?"
An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"
There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"
After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.
Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.
The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.
The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.
A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"
From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?"
Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"
