Most commented jokes

Two men are discussing their lives. One says:

- I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.

The other one says:

- I'm getting divorced for the same reasons.

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks:

- What are you doing?

She replies:

- I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.

The husband retorts:

- Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?

She replies:

- Frankly dear, your name never came up.

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

- Are you hurt? - he asked.

- Of course I'm hurt! - she replied.

- Three times around and you didn't wave once!

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says:

- Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!

- Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile.

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

- Judge: I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards.

- Groom: That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you.

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented:

- Boy, your ass is getting big. Almost as big as the gas grill here.

She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying:

- Yep, that thing is getting huge.

At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed:

- It IS as big as the gas grill!

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away.

- C'mon, honey, - he said.

- what's wrong?

Her cold reply was:

- I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor:

- Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.

- Well, - the doctor replied.

- go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

She replies:

- For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

- Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

- Witness: Where am I Cathy?

- Attorney: And why did that upset you?

- Witness: Because my name is Susan.

I overheard a friend telling his pal:

- I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.

- What is she doing? - the pal asks.

- Waiting for me to get home.

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed:

- Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.

- Sorry John. - she replied.

- I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some.