Most commented jokes

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

- But - said the duffer - since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'.

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

- What happened? - asked one of the members.

- Well - said the pro - I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked:

- I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?

- Only one kiss per yard - replied the smirking male clerk.

- That's fine - replied the girl.

- I'll take ten yards.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

- Grandpa will pay the bill - she smiled.

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman:

- cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a large whiskey please, barman.

The man takes his whiskey and downs it.

- Same again? - asks the barman.

- Okay - says the man and downs the second.

He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.

In fact in total he downs 27 whiskeys.

- Do you want another? - asks the barman.

- No I don't think so - says the man:

- If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste I don't think that another one will!

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abcP.

P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump.

Don't be silly, protect your Willie.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign that says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". So the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks:

- Whats a failic symbol?

Doctor says:

- You're kidding..

Girl says:

- No! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???

Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says:

- You see? This is a failic symbol!

Girl says:

- Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

- Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life - he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies:

- Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:

- Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?

She responded:

- Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked:

- Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She replied:

- Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him.

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said:

- If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.