Most commented jokes

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said:

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said:

- And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said:

- And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:

- For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said:

- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying:

- And that woman was my mother! - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly:

- The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out:

- ...and I can't remember who she was!

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

- Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

- Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

- Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

- Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

- Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she charged.

- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You're the only woman on earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve.

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

- Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

- God: Like one second.

- Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

- God: Like one penny.

- Mortal: Can I have a penny?

- God: Just a second.

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation:

- All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly:

- And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says:

- I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

- Mommy, can we leave now?

- No.

- Well, I think I have to throw up!

- Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

- Did you throw up?

- Yes.

- Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?

- I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'.

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced:

- Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher:

- All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.

- Well - answered the priest.

- that's not a sin.

- But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.

- I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.

- Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question...

- What is that, my son?

- Do I have to tell him the war is over?