A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
- What happened? You should have been home hours ago!
- Harry had a heart attack at the third hole.
- Oh, that's terrible.
- I know. All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...
Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks:
- What is your IQ? - to which the man answers - 241.
- That is wonderful! - says Albert. - We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks:
- What is your IQ? - to which the lady answers - 144.
- That is great! - responds Albert. - We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!
Albert goes to another person and asks:
- What is your IQ? - to which the man answers - 51.
Albert responds:
- How about them, Cowboys?
Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?
→ How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that "no means no"?
Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team.
- It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents.
Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out:
- I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on sale days.
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:
- I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help.
One of the men immediately replies:
- No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.
A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says:
- thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter.
- Thank you - the golfer replied - but where were you last week when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
- Hey, lady - yells Larry - Throw me the cat.
- No - she cries - It's too far.
- I play football, I can catch him.
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
- First Guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:
- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?
- Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater.""
When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?
→ When he's hanging by his teeth.
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said:
- I see you were a golfer, is that correct?
- Yes, I am - he replied.
St Peter then said:
- Do you hit the ball a long way?
The golfer replied:
- You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?
