A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said:
- Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
- What is it, child?
The girl said:
- Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said:
- My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake.
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" "Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?" The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again. As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?" "Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says:
- Hello.
The voice at the end of the phone says:
- Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country.
SH smiles to himself.
- Come on Paddy - he says.
- there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance.
Paddy replies:
- No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you.
So SH says:
- OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time.
So Paddy says:
- Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport.
Hussein laughs:
- Oh come on, you've not got a hope.
- Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein - Paddy says.
- we'll just have a quick meeting.
So off he goes and has a quick meeting.
- Are you still there Mr. Hussein?
- Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war.
So SH says:
- Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.
- Well - Paddy says.
- I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor.
- Get real - says SH.
- that's no match at all.
So Paddy says:
- Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.
- Are you still there Mr. Hussein?
- Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war.
SH thinks this is just amazing:
- Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?
- Well - says Paddy.
- there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30.
Laughing openly now SH replies:
- Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting.
- I will - says Paddy.
- I will.
- Are you still there Mr. Hussein?
- Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all.
- At last - replies SH.
- What made you change your mind?
- Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. 'I'm fine,' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.' 'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.' 'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'
