Most commented jokes

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope:

- Follow me to your new quarters.

Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said:

- I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said:

- Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

- Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.

- Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.

- Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.

- Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!

Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.

Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.

What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!

You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.

Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?
→ She feels her way around.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
→ Answering the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
→ They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
→ You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw. (make strange noise)

Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
→ So her friends could read her lips.

How did Helen Keller break her hand?
→ Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.

HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
→ BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!

How did Helen Keller drive her car?
→ One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
→ On a blind date!

What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?
→ A Manicure.

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
→ Velcro.

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
→ She was wearing gloves.

What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?
→ Calluses.

How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?
→ They made her wear mittens.

Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?
→ So she could always find him.

Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
→ From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.

How did Helen Keller go crazy?
→ Trying to read the stucco walls.

How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
→ She shouted hysterically.

Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
→ It was hell on the seeing eye dog!

What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?
→ Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.

Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?
→ He hasn't either.

Your Mommas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.

I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son:

- See? It's a baby - I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.

- I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby - he was saying.

- He sounds just like his father - my daughter replied!

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
→ When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says:

- I haven't got it.

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says:

- I haven't got it.

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust the bartender says:

- What, no drink for me this time?

The drunk replies:

- No, you get violent when you drink.

You Might Be A College Student:

- If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

- If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't

- If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

- If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

- If you wake up 10 minutes before class

- If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them

- If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class

- If your social life consists of a date with the library

- If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

- If you carry less than a dollar on your person

- If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

- If you celebrate when you find a quarter

- If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

- If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

- If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

- If you get more sleep in class than in your room

- If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

- If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo

- If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

- If you get more e-mail than mail......

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.

This is not believed to be a coincidence.