Most commented jokes

1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
5. Be thankful your server isn't down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!
11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts

• Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
• Teeth removing Taffy
• Metamucil in a straw
• Ex-Lax Brownies
• Caramel Covered Zucchini
• Colored Crisco on a Stick
• Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
• Chocolate Covered Prunes
• A Handful of Red Man
• Anything that ticks!

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
11. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
12. You ask for high fiber candy only.
13. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
14. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
15. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
16. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
17. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
18. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Happy Halloween!

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

- Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

- Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

- Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

- Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

- Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him:

- You need to join the Army of the Lord!

- I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor - My friend replied.

- How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter? - Pastor questioned.

- I'm in the secret service. - He whispered back.

- Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

- Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

- The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

- Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

- Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

and last but not least...

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:

- I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband:

- I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?

- You'll know tonight - he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream:

- YO! Keep it down!

When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name:

- Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect:

- Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,

And yous better show some respect!

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him:

- It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo.