Most commented jokes

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said:

- I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates.

A few days later, Judy went to John and said:

- You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?

- I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure - replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:

Dear Mom,
While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love,
Your son.

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:

Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love,
Mom.

- Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times - the judge said.

- Yes, Your Honor - the suspect replied.

- What did you steal? - the judge asked.

- I stole a dress, Your Honor - replied the suspect.

- One dress? - the judge bellowed. - But you have admitted to breaking in four times!

- Yes, Your Honor - sighed the suspect - but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

- Pierre, kiss me!

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:

- Pierre, kiss me lower.

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers:

- Pierre, kiss me lower!

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously:

- Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing??!

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says:

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening:

- Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend.

- That sounds fine - she purred.

And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying:

- Mind if I play along?

The exec. said:

- Fine. Glad to have the company.

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

- Whoa - he said. - That's a high powered rifle!

- Look - said the other man. - I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.

- No. No - said the exec. - I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag.

The other man pondered for a moment and then said:

- Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living.

- Wow - said the other. - I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before.

- Still want me to play? - said the other.

- Sure - said the Erie exec. - As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said:

- Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife.

He lowered the gun for a moment and said:

- she doesn't have any clothes on.

He looked through the scope again.

- Damn, there's a guy with her.

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man.

- How much do you charge?

- $10,000 a bullet - said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said:

- Do it.

- Which one? - said the hit man.

- Both - said the exec.

- That's $20,000, you know.

- I don't care, hit 'em both.

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle.

- Where do you want me to get the man? - he asked.

- Blow his nuts off - said the exec.

- How about the woman?

- In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway.

- Ok - said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled.

- Mister - he said - I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

Mom said:

- Of course, I'll send you some money, dear.

- By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?

Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom - the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel. When she returned, Dad asked:

- So, how much did you send him this time?

- I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000 - Mom replied.

- Have you lost your mind? - Dad exclaimed.

- That's $1020!

- Not to worry - Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head.

- I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:

- What's are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies:

- Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

- Oh I see - replied the boys pensively.

- Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks:

- Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies:

- Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

- Cool! - says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks:

- Then who are these for?

- Those are for college men - The dad answers.

- TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

- WOW! - exclaimed the boy.

- Then who uses THESE? - he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied:

- Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

- Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?

- Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...

- Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.

- Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.

- Three? When were they?

- Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?

- Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?

- Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?

- I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?

- Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked:

- If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?

- No, I stopped drinking years ago - the bum said.

- Will you use it to gamble?

- I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.

- Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?

- Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!

The man said:

- Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.

The bum was astounded.

- Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.

The man replied:

- That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf.

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said:

- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.