Most commented jokes

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Wow - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

- AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

- BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.

- CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

- HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

- RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

- INCENSE Holy Smoke!

- JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.

- PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

- RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

- RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

- TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

- USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

- What's the matter, dear? - she whispers as she steps into the room.

- Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up.

- Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17? - he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.

- Yes, I do - she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

- Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?

- Yes, I remember - says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues...

- Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'.

- I remember that too - she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

- I would have gotten out today!

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him:

- Is this what I pay you for?

The manager replied:

- No, sir, this I do free of charge.

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

- I just can't believe this - said the distraught husband.

- What's not to believe? - the detective said.

- It's right up there on the screen!

- I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun! - the husband replied.

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

- I will have to go home and come back later.

The woman says:

- Unbutton your shirt.

So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says:

- That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me - and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says:

- You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. ?1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:- No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wife knows F**king everything.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

- Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you.

- When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion - she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

- I'm curious though - he said:

- Where did the thirty dollars come from?

- Oh that - his wife replied:

- Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

- What was the name of the Instructor? - asked the neighbor.

- Oh, ummmm, let's see - the old man pondered.

- You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?

- A rose? - asked the neighbor.

- Yes, that's it - replied the old man.

He then turned toward his house and shouted:

- Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- Yes - then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:

- She made me a better offer.