Most commented jokes

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
16. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
17. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
18. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
19. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
20. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
21. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
22. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
23. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
24. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
25. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
26. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
27. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
28. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
29. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
30. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
31. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

10. Watch the bag fill.
11. Hyperventilate.
12. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
13. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
14. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
15. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
16. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
17. Faint.
18. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
19. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will ,make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents, for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA, she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
11. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
12. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
13. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
14. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
15. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
16. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
17. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
18. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
19. Two words: catapulting teacups.

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
11. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
12. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
13. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
14. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
15. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
16. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
17. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
18. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
19. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
11. Today is our what?
12. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
13. I thought we only celebrated important events?
14. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
15. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
16. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
17. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
18. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
19. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

- "Jaws of Life" in trunk.

- The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

- When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"

- You realize too late that it is your father's Oldsmobile.

- Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.

- The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

- You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"

- Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."

- Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.

- The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"

- Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.

- Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.

- WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!

- Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.

- Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.

- Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.

- Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."

- $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas

- Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.

- The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)

- Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."

- Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.