Most commented jokes

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said:

- Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS
Government Department of Fish and "WildLife"

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder (2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor (1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator (4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (3) (Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut (2)
6. Honest Attorney (0) (On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat (2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner (2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser (2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender ($100 BOUNTY)

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says:

- Pierre, kiss me!

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:

- Pierre, kiss me lower.

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers:

- Pierre, kiss me lower!

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously:

- PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

- You simpleton! - the officer barked.

- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

- Yes sir - the solder answered apologetically.

- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

- Jeez - the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

- Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.

- That was nice of you - she says, looking around...

- But where's his wheelchair? (woo-hoo! that's MEAN! :)

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, she exclaimed:

- So, that's how you guys load those things!

What do Skeletons say before eating?
→ Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
→ Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
→ He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
→ Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats?
→ They want Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?
→ Decay NY.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
→ They're a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
→ Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
→ Scared stiff.

Yo mama's so hairy...

• Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
• Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
• Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
• Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
• Yo mama's so hairy, when she spreads her legs, the first thing that comes to my mind is "We're going to Bush Gardens."

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.

- Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!

Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

- Hey mister - said the frog.

- A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again:

- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad replied:

- I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!