Most commented jokes

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him:

- Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.

The doctor nods and gives her some pills.

- Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor:

- What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!

The doctor nodded:

- It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies:

- Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father:

- Well what's the 6 pack for?

The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March...

What did the ballerina do when she hurt her foot?
→ She called the toe truck!

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Bits of information to help you through the day:

- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)

- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

- Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)

- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)

- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home! What the....")

- Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

- Butterflies taste with their feet. (hmmm...chocolate...doh!...not chocolate, not chocolate! BAD DOG!)

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

- Starfish don't have any brains. (...and are now employed at JokesGalore.com!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.

Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...

- You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"

- You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."

- You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.

- You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"

- You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

- You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.

- You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

- You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!

- You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

- You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."

- You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

- You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".

- You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

- You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.

- You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.

- You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.

- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king:

- If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess:

- Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.

The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer.)

They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.

- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.

- Can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.

- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.

- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun essayed.

- Just my sister in New York - he volunteered.

- But she's a spinster nun.

- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God.

- Really...wonderful - said Smith.

- In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.

The husband says:

- I thought we'd have sex tonight.

The wife replies:

- No, I'm too tired tonight.

The husband says:

- Is that your final answer?

The wife says:

- Yes, it is, thank you.

The husband says:

- OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend.