Most commented jokes

Here's one for you... what do men and linoleum have in common?
→ If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."
11. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
12. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
13. One word: Lightsabers.
14. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
15. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
16. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
17. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
18. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I."
19. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

- Blonde #1: Have you ever read Shakespeare?

- Blonde #2: No, who wrote it?

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
→ To see what was on the other side.

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything??"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees."

She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does.

He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello... Mom?"

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I Committed adultery."

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Priest: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Priest: How many times?

- Woman: Three times.

- Priest: Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

- Rabbi: What did you do?

- Woman: I committed adultery.

- Rabbi: How many times?

- Woman: Just once.

- Rabbi: Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.

Confucious say:

- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

- It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

- Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

- Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

- Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

- Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

- Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

- Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

- Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

- Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

- Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

- Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories -- the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.