Most commented jokes

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

- I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry! - she said:

- stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband inquired as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here - he said to the 'statue':

- eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

• Act naturally
• Found missing
• Resident alien
• Advanced BASIC
• Genuine imitation
• Safe sex
• Airline food
• Good grief
• Same difference
• Almost exactly
• Government organization
• Sanitary landfill
• Alone together
• Legally drunk
• Silent scream
• British fashion
• Living dead
• Small crowd
• Business ethics
• Microsoft Works
• Soft rock
• Butt head
• Military intelligence
• Software documentation
• California culture
• New classic
• Sweet sorrow
• Childproof
• "Now, then ..."

• Synthetic natural gas
• Christian Scientists
• Passive aggression
• Taped live
• Clearly misunderstood
• Peace force
• Temporary tax increase
• Computer jock
• Plastic glasses
• Terribly pleased
• Computer security
• Political science
• Tight slacks
• Definite maybe
• Pretty ugly
• Twelve-ounce pound cake
• Diet ice cream
• Rap music
• Working vacation
• Exact estimate
• Religious tolerance

You don't know Jack Schitt!

When someone says:

- You don't know Jack Schitt, well, now you'll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says:

- You don't know Jack Schitt! - you can say:

- Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!

Science definitions from Kids...

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

Liter: a nest of young puppies.

Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace...
Visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Lead me not into temptation...
I can find it myself.

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says:

- OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

- Who the heck's that? - she says.

- It's Paul McCartney - he replies.

- Doesn't look like him at all - says she.

- Now get it right or I'll report you.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off:

- No way that's Paul Mccartney - she says.

- It bloody well is - says the man.

- Listen I'll get a second opinion

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who's been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There's the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)...:

- Tell me who the hell you think that is.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice):

- I've no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said:

- Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?

- That doesn't prove anything - the woman countered.

- Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

- The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says:

- My God!... What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead!