Most commented jokes

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Insurance Form Statements...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

ATTENTION:
All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff

1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.
2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).
3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle.
4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.
5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollar's worth at a time requires too many gas stops.
6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they don't feed, try to locate near an all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon Pies In car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.
7. Do not take live chickens or hogs - for some reason people in Virginia think that they have good hams. For the sake of national unity, we don't want to show them up. Besides, their dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their dogs... just making a hell of a mess.
8. Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you. Up there the out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems. Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we don't want to set him off.
9. If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturer's representative or hog vaccine manufacturer's salesman to have a drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the carpeted floor. When asked what you drink, don't say "stump juice". Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B (Bourbon and Branch water).
10. And above all else - don't let any Yankee show you up. Constant screaming of "He's a good ole boy" will make it difficult for them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level. You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick:

- It's time for change!

As you know, we plan a change of underwear on the first of every month. First cousins change with second cousins, but always keep it in the family. Willie has passed a decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(crossed out), dyah(crossed out) the shits.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

- Hi. Now you say something.

- Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is:

- We aren't in, leave a message.

That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans employ exterminators.

Democrats step on the bugs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.

Neither are Republicans.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.

Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.

Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.

Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.

They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied:

- Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!

You Know You're Getting Older When...

- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle aged.

- You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

- A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

- You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

- You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

- You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

- You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.

- Your back goes out more often than you do.

- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

- The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

- You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

- BASIC COW: $499.95

- Shipping and handling: 35.75

- Extra Stomach: 79.25

- Two Tone Exterior: 142.10

- Produce Storage Compartment: 126.50

- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper: 189.60

- Four Spigot/High Output Drain System: 149.20

- Automatic Fly Swatter: 88.50

- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery: 179.90

- Deluxe Dual Horns: 59.25

- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment: 339.40

- 4X4 Traction Drive Assembly: 884.16

- Pre-delivery Wash and Comb: 69.80

FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2,843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options): $3,143.36