Most commented jokes

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.

A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.

A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said:

- She was waving a firearm.

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.

He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card:

- Our deepest sympathy.

But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read:

- Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.

What did the Buddhist ask the pizza maker?
→ Make me one with everything.

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says:

- we're playing poker - and the mother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says:

- We're playing poker - and the grandmother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says:

- I'm playing poker.

The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies:

- You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

- Social worker: We should give these seats to the children.

- Lawyer: Dont be stupid, fuck the children!

- Catholic priest: Do you really think we've got time?

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren't funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. What happened then?
   → He told me, he says:

- I have to kill you because you can identify me.

Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself.
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
   → That's me.
   Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    → By death.
    And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    → I'll be three months on November 8.
    Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    → Yes.
    What were you doing at that time?
13. Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    → I used to be.
    How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. She had three children, right?
    → Yes.
    How many were boys?
    → None.
    Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    → Yes.
    And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Have you lived in this town all your life?
    → Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said:

- Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.

20. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
    → It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?
    → No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.

He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said:

- I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him.

The farmer said:

- Help yourself, the hens are out in the back.

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- I wannup.

- I wannup who?

- You do! I didn't need to know that!

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?
→ To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap anyway?"
15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, "Wow, Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet FLoor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they spell "hello" upside down.
29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible"
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphebetize" the CD's in electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.
47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.