Most commented jokes

Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?
→ Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell.....

Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is:

- GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ....!

Yo mama's so fat, when she went to school, she sat next to everybody!

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she REALLY sits around the house.

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a "Malcom X" shirt, helicopters land on her!

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says:

- Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says:

- Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping.

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks:

- what the *@#% was that? The wife explains:

- oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out:

- Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned.....

- What have you done Tommy O'Connor? - said the Priest.

- I had sex with a girl.

- Who was it Tommy?

- I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?

- No Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?

- No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.

- Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?

- No Father, I cannot tell you who it was.

- Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven.

So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting...

- What did you get? - asked Joseph.

- Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- No laundry - the boy said.

- I'm going to wash my dog.

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied:

- I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh, What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge:

The brain said:

- I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The eyes said:

- I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The hands said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The stomach said:

- I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

The legs said:

- Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. I'm the most important and I should be in charge.

Then the rectum said:

- I think I should be in charge.

All the rest of the parts said:

- YOU?!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we are, surely! You can't be in charge!

So the rectum closed up... After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.... just an asshole!

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said:

- Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said:

- I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say:

- Come on in.

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said:

- Are you the people that broke the window?

- Uh yeah. Sorry about that - the husband replied.

- No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.

- OK great! - the husband said.

- I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

- No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? - the genie said, looking at the wife.

- I want a house in every country of the world - she said.

- Consider it done. - the genie replied.

- And what's your wish genie? - the husband said.

- Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said:

- Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright.

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said:

- How old is your husband, anyway?

- 35. - she replied.

- And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!

What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
14. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
15. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
18. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

In response... The male perspective on the same issue ...

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
11. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
12. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
13. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
14. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
15. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
16. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
17. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
18. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)