An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest:
- Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said:
- Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
- Never Father, I'm Jewish.
- So then, why are you telling me?
- Because I'm telling everybody!
Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.
Olie replied:
- We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.
This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again.
- You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.
The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied:
- We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.
A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily:
- Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!
A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.
The doctor asked the man:
- What are you doing, walking the dog?
The man replied:
- Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.
The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions...
And the man said to his toothbrush:
- Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!
What do you call a witch at the beach?
- I don't know?
- A sand-witch!
A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.
The waitress comes over and says:
- Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman says:
- No he didn't, he just walked in the door.
- Have you driven a Ford lately?
- Yeh, that's why I drive a Chevy!
Why were blondes created?
→ Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge
She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
And so all night long, it was on-her and off-er!
A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
- This is your doctor - says the voice on the phone.
- We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.
- G.A.S.H? - replies the patient.
- What the hell is that?
- It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes - explains the doctor.
- My gosh, Doc! - screams the man in a panic.
- what are we going to do?
- Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread - says the doctor matter-of-factly.
- Will that cure me?
- Well no - says the doctor.
- but it's the only food that will fit under the door.
Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day just talking about the business. The youngest one complained:
- You know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I don't think I can stay in business at those prices.
Her Mom thinks for a while and says:
- Well dear, in my day we would give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to get that!
Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says:
- The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!
