Most commented jokes

Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?
→ Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!

There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 10:00 news. A news reporter was in the foreground, giving a report. In the background there was a man and a bridge.

- I'll bet you 50 bucks that the guy jumps off of the bridge - the brunette said to the blonde.

- Okay, it's a bet.

A moment later, the man did jump off the bridge and the blonde pulled out 50 dollars.

- I can't take it.

- You have to, it was a bet.

- I really can't take it. You see, I watched the 6:00 news and saw him jump then.

The brunette was feeling very humble at this point.

And the blonde said:

- Well, I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump twice!

A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!

- Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

- Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

- Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

- Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

- Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

- Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

- Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why

- Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

- Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...

- Passive Aggressive -- On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me... (And Then Took it All Away)

- Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys:

• one tin of beans
• one bag of chips
• one pack of burgers
• one tub of ice cream
• one cake
• one case of beer
• one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically:

- Yes. However did you guess?

The girl replies:

- Simple...

- You are one ugly bastard!

What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake?
→ A milk shake!

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring:

- Well, it looks plastic.

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding:

- But it feels like rubber.

Curious, the attorney asked:

- What do you have there?

The drunk replied:

- I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

The attorney responded:

- Let me take a look.

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.

- Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?

The drunk replied:

- Out of my nose!

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?
→ White-out on the screen!

How can you tell she's made the corrections?
→ She wrote over the white out!