Most commented jokes

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend5.0 to Husband1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend5.0.

In addition, Husband1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL5.0 and NBA3.0. Conversation8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears6.2. Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty3.0 and Flowers7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband1.0 to default to GrumpySilence2.5, Happyhour7.0 or Beer6.1.

Beer6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband1.0.

In summary, Husband1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood3.0 and Lingerie5.3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...:

- You're a dumb-looking button!

- You don't have much of a future, either!

- You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!

- I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

- What in the heck are you doing? - her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads...:

- DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE.

How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

• Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 8 oz. skim milk
• Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herb tea, 1 Oreo cookie
• Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package, 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce
• Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke, 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza, 3 Snickers bars
• Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.

He was really upset, and was thinking:

- Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?

Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked:

- What's wrong?

- I hit the Easter Bunny!! - said the guy.

- Oh, I know what to do - said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.

A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked:

- Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!

- Oh - said the blonde.

- It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'

What did the snail say when he climbed onto the turtles back?
→ WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender:

- do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?

and the bartender said to another person that was there:

- hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him:

- coats and jackets.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said:

- cooking.

Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant:

- grandpa and grandma.

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says:

- Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding?
→ To keep the flies off the bride!

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

- Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. - (Judy, 8)

- Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

- You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - (Jim, 10)

- Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them - (Lynette, 9)

- It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - (Jan, 9)

- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - (Roger, 9)

- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. - (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - (Jeanne, 8)

- It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - (Gary, 7)

- Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

- They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. - (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television. - (Anita, 6)

- Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - (Bobby, 8)

- I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. - (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

- One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

- Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - (Del, 6)

- Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. - (Alonzo, 9)

- One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. - (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

- Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. - (John, 9)

- Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. - (Dave, 8)

- It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire. - (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

- The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. - (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

- You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. - (Doug, 7)

- It might help to watch soap operas all day. - (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. - (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

- Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - (Tom, 7)

- Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - (Roger, 8)

- Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - (Randy, 8)

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

20. Found missing
21. Resident alien
22. Airline food
23. Same difference
24. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
26. Alone together
27. Business ethics
28. Sweet sorrow
29. Military intelligence
30. Plastic glasses
31. Terribly pleased
32. Definite Maybe
33. Pretty Ugly
34. Computer Security
35. Political science
36. Diet ice cream
37. Working vacation
38. Exact estimate
39. Microsoft Works