Most commented jokes

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy:

- I've got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies:

- Come again?

- No - says Monica.

- Mustard!

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?
→ Because the Bears blow!

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said:

- Adam, come over here and sit down!.

And Adam did so.

- Adam - spoke the Creator:

- I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.

Adam said nothing in response.

- So - continued the Lord:

- I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.

Adam looked grateful.

- This person - said the Lord:

- will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.

Adam looked thoughtful.

- This person - emphasized the Lord:

- will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!

Adam really looked relieved.

- And, lastly - said the Lord:

- She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

- O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?

- An arm and a leg - said the Almighty.

- Well - Adam then said:

- What can I get for a rib?

Why did the hamster cross the road?
→ Because it was stuck in the Chicken's ass!

What's the biggest pencil in the World?
→ Pennsylvania!

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says:

- Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.

And Sarah says:

- Can you just jack off? I have a headache!

That was Zen, this is Tao.

How can you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
→ SNOWBALLS!!!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:

- Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily:

- Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.

To which he replied:

- Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Fine - she says:

- Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.

- I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps - he says.

- Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

- Honey, how'd this all get fixed?

She said:

- Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.

He said:

- So, what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied:

- Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?