This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said:
- What are you doing?
She said:
- I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.
And the guy responded:
- Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!
What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says:
- It's dark in here, isn't it?
- Yes it is - the man replies.
- You wanna buy a baseball? - the little boy asks.
- No thanks - the man replies.
- I think you do want to buy a baseball - the little extortionist continues.
- Okay. How much? - the man replies, after considering the position he is in.
- Twenty-five dollars - the little boy replies.
- Twenty-five dollars! - the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
- It's dark in here, isn't it? - the boy starts off.
- Yes it is - replies the man.
- Wanna buy a baseball glove? - the little boy asks.
- Okay. How much this time! - the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
- Fifty dollars - the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says:
- Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.
- I can't. I sold them - replies the little boy.
- How much did you get for them? - asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
- Seventy-five dollars - the little boy says.
- Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. - the father explains, as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says:
- It's dark in here, isn't it?
The priest says:
- Don't you start that crap in here now!
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says:
- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.
The grandfather smiles:
- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says:
- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?
The grandfather replies:
- Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.
- Ah - said the doctor
- Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.
- Oh - said Her Majesty.
- Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable.
Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.
- Goodness Gracious! - shrieked Her Majesty
- I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!
- Ah - said the Doctor
- same problem - better health plan.
What is a frogs favorite drink?
→ Croak-a-cola!
Why do they always lock the bathroom doors at gas stations?
→ Are they afraid someone might clean them!?
There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says:
- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.
The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says:
- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...:
- I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!
Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.
As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say:
- Wanna.
I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said:
- I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How."
He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...:
- ME KNOW HOW...
ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!
Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in a drive-in movie???
→ They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!
