Most commented jokes

What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
→ A little fucker about so tall.

There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two:

- What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?.

Man2 says:

- I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family.

Man3 says:

- I'd want them to say things like that too

Man1 said:

- Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!.

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
→ Because the batteries died.

Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.
→ Because they travel in schools.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick!

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says:

- You can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!

And the farmer says:

- Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!

So the patent officer takes a bite, and then:

- Oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like blackberry pie!

And the farmer says:

- Yeah, and do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side.

So the patent officer does and he's like:

- Man! That really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!

So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says:

- Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?

- Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!

- And you like it, right?

- Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy - says the patent officer, starting to get excited.

The farmer says:

- OK, then take a bite, right there

So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.

- Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT! - & the farmer says:

- shoot,... I'm sorry, flip it over & try the other side!

What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
→ A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum out!"

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper says:

- Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

- Where did you get such a functional bike? - asked the first.

The second engineer replied:

- Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said:

- Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly:

- Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said:

- If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?

The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:

- Stand up, nuts!

Everyone stood up.

- Sit down, nuts!

Everyone sat down.

- Look behind you, nuts!

Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out:

- Peanuts!