Most commented jokes

Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!

So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.

The head headhunter says:

- If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back

So the hikers did that and came back.

The head head hunter said:

- Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass.

So the first hiker has apples... Ok, apples it shouldn't be too hard. 1 up okay... 2 up the hiker starts screaming, so the headhunters chop off his head. The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy! 1 up okay... 2 up fine... 3... 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.

So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples asks the hiker who had the grapes:

- What happened... you had grapes, I mean you got killed c'mon what happened?

The guy who had grapes says:

- Well the other hiker........ he........ he......... he had watermellons!

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?
→ "Look what Marma-Lade!!"

How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
→ None! He fell.

- She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

- She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

- She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

- She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

- She retains more water than Lake Superior.

- She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."

- She buys you a new T-shirt - with a bulls-eye on the front.

- You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says:

- All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?

- She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

- She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which one gets to the ground first?
→ The brunette... the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says:

- fill it up, please

The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins.

- Hey Buddy - says the attendant to the driver:

- These birds can't be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something..

The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels...

- What's this? - he says to the driver:

- I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?

The driver says:

- I did...and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach.

TOP TEN things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do the splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
19. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

REPEAT NUMBER 'NINE'.

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!