Most commented jokes

Three Muslims died and went to Heaven. When they approached the gate, St. Peter said:

- Sorry, only Christians are allowed in Heaven.

The Muslims said:

- But we are good Christians!

St. Peter replied:

- Okay, if you're good Christians then tell me what is Easter?

The first Muslim went up to St. Peter and said:

- I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a white bunny suit and hopped around delivering eggs to children!

St. Peter shook his head, and said:

- Next!

The second Muslim guy then came up and said:

- I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a red and white suit and flied around delivering presents to good children!

St. Peter sighed, and said:

- Next!

So the last Muslim guy comes up to old St. Peter and says:

- Oh, I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man died on the cross for the people, and they buried him in a cave. After three days the Jesus man got up, went out of the cave, saw his shadow, and there was 6 more weeks of winter!

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying:

- mmmm... mmmhmmm.

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

- Oh, that - he says.

- I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice.

The young woman proudly smiled and replied:

- Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself:

- It's not a ship.

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks:

- It's not a boat.

The speck gets even closer and he thinks:

- It's not a raft.

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says:

- How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?

- Ten years! - he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says:

- Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked:

- How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?

He replies:

- Ten years!

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says:

- Wow, that's fantastic !

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him:

- And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?

And the man replies:

- My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks:

- well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience.

So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter.

- I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts - he says.

- Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars - the pimp replies.

But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong...

- Hey! You had three breasts yesterday... - he says after which she smiles and says:

- What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!

Business Rules to Live By

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton:

- Are you ready to order?

Clinton replies:

- Yes, I'd like a quickie!

- A quickie?!? - the waitress replies.

- Sir, given the past situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu!

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says:

- It's pronounced Quiche.

A woman feared that her husband was losing interest in her sexually. She went out and bought some very sexy lingerie, complete with crotchless panties. She posed herself in bed and awaited his arrival.

When he came into the bedroom, she threw the sheets back, spread her legs, and said:

- Welcome home honey. Do you want some of this?

With a horrified look on his face, the husband replied:

- Hell No! Look what it did to your underwear!

• Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
• Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2
• "Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
• Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18
• Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22
• Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11
• Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3
• Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
• Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows -The New York Times, March 10
• Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies -The Los Angeles Times, March 2
• Scientists see quakes in L.A. future -The Oregonian, January 28
• Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning -The Buffalo News, February 26
• Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold -Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
• Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer -Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
• Economist uses theory to explain economy -Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
• Bible church's focus is the Bible -Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
• Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons -Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
• Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity -The Chicago Tribune, March 5
• Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear -Journal of Commerce, April 20
• Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person -The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
• Lack of brains hinders research -The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
• Cement Supplies seen as adequate -The Bangkok Post, January 28
• How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hay -Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
• Fish lurk in streams -Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
• Dole loses debate by not winning -Some newspaper

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother:

- Thanks for the peanuts.

She says:

- Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.

- I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

- The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

- We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

- I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

- When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. - Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

- It's like deja vu all over again. - Yogi Berra

- China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese - Former French President Charles De Gaulle

- The loss of life will be irreplaceable. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

- That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. - A congressional candidate in Texas

- It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody. - Richard M. Nixon

- The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet. - Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

- When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

- Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

- A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. - Everett Dirksen

- A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

- Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

- I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. - John Wayne

- Half this game is ninety percent mental. - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

- It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. - General William Westmoreland

- What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

- If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet. - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

- I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

- I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle