Women Jokes — most commented jokes

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said:

- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

- That's OK with me, honey - says her husband.

- I'll go get some wood for the fire.

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

- What on earth happened to you dear? - he asks.

- Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!

- Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them! - the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

- Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! - he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.

- I did it - he bellows.

- What you got to say about it?

The husband answers meekly:

- I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

- I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.

- My Billy used to do the same thing, the older woman replied. But I broke him of the habit.

- How?

- I hid his teeth.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:

- Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever.

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks:

- What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says:

- Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says:

- Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading a book - she replies (thinking it was obvious).

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading - she replies.

- Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up - the warden says.

- If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault - says the woman.

- But I haven't even touched you! - says the game warden.

- That's true, but you have all the equipment.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said:

- You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent replies:

- Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies:

- You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:

- You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

- Sure - GOD says.

- Go right ahead.

- OK - the man says.

- Why did you make women so pretty?

GOD says:

- So you would like them.

- OK - the guy says.

- But how come you made them so beautiful?

- So you would LOVE them - GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks:

- But why did you make them such airheads?

GOD says:

- So they would love you!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "They're Carol's."