Women Jokes — most commented jokes

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
→ None - it should be open when she brings it to you!

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says:

- For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!

The man thinks for a minute, and says:

- I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick.

The genie replies:

- My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!

The man thinks for a minute, and says:

- I want to be able to understand women.

The genie pauses for a moment and says:

- So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?

Do you know what the height of hard upfullness is?
→ Two old ladies in an asparagus patch doing knee bends!

How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
→ When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.

The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says:

- Ma'am it looks like you blew a seal.

The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face:

- No, it's just Mayonaise.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"

The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"

"No problem," the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!! The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!

There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?

The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!)

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

• You make the bed ... 1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1
• You leave the toilet seat up ... -5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ... 0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ... -1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ... -2
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ... 5
• You pummel it with a six iron ... 10

Social Engagements

• You stay by her side the entire party ... 0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ... -2
• Named Tiffany ... -4
• Tiffany is a dancer ... -6
• Tiffany has implants ... -8

Her Birthday

• You take her out to dinner ... 0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ... 1
• Okay, it is a sports bar ... -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night ... -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ... -10

Thoughtfulness

• You forget her birthday completely ... -20
• You forget your anniversary ... -30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station ... -45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey ... -50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ... -60

A Night Out

• You take her to a movie ... 2
• You take her to a movie she likes ... 4
• You take her to a movie you hate ... 6
• You take her to a movie you like ... -2
• It's called DeathCop3 ... -3
• Which features cyborgs having sex ... -9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ... -15

Flowers

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected ... 0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ... 20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ... 30
• And she contracts Lyme disease ... -25

Your Physique

• You develop a noticeable potbelly ... -15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ... 1
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ... -30
• You say "I don't care because you have one too" ... -800

Finances

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical ... -5
• Something she can't use ... -10
• Such as a motorized model airplane ... -20
• And she got a small appliance for her birthday ... -40

Driving

• You lost the directions on a trip ... -4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost ... -10
• You don't stop to ask directions ... 0
• You stop and ask for directions ... 25
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ... -15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ... -25
• You know them ... -60

The Big Question

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" ... -5
  (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding ... -10
• You reply, "Where?" ... -35

Communication

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ... 0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ... 5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ... 10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ... -20