Situations — most commented jokes

90% of Fords are still on the road. The other 10% made it home! (you know, Fords - Fix or Repair Daily)

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control any lingering effects.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a rotten egg gone worse.

When her husband returned, he instructed her to remove her blindfold. And when she did, 50 people around her said "Surprise!"

How do you make a Kleenex dance?
→ Put a little boogie in it.

I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turned the volume all the way up....the mime next door went nuts!

I had skylights installed at my place the other day...the people that live upstairs are really mad!

Little miss muffet... sat on her tuffet... eating her kurds and way.

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: "hey, whatsin the bowl bitch?!"

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

65 degrees: Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 degrees: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 degrees: Miami residents turn on the heat

45 degrees: Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 degrees: You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming

35 degrees: Italian cars don't start

32 degrees: Water freezes

30 degrees: You plan your vacation to Australia

25 degrees: Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 degrees: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 degrees: French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 degrees: You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 degrees: American cars don't start

0 degrees: Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 degrees: German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 degrees: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20 degrees: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25 degrees: Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 degrees: You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start

-40 degrees: Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your cat helps you plan your trip South

-50 degrees: Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 degrees: Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90 degrees: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba Dabba Doo!

An Ancient Greek man walks into a tailor and holds up a torn tunic.

- Tailor: Euripides? (You-rip-e-dees)

- Man: Eumenedes?? (You-men-e-dees)

(Say it quickly, it works!)