Situations — most commented jokes

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
→ Run!

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?

Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Do steam rollers really roll steam?

What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

25 facts of life

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
    The universe is even bigger than they thought!
    There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
    Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
    If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
    If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
    If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
    If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

You might be a child of the 80's if...

• you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.
• the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
• you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
• not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.
• you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.
• you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.
• the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
• you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".
• songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
• three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
• you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
• you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".
• you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
• you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
• a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
• you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
• you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
• while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
• you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
• one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"
• you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
• you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".
• you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.
• you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
• you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
• you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".
• you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
• you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."
• you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
• Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
• kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
• you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
• flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
• the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.
• you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
• at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
• "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
• the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
• there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
• you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
• you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
• you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
• the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
• you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
• honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
• you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.
• you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.
• (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.
• (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
• you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.
• you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.
• you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"
• you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
• you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.
• you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
• your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".
• this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:

Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

• you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
• you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
• you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.
• you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
• you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
• you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".
• going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
• you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.
• you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.
• you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.
• you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.
• you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.
• (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.
• you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
• U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
• you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
• when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
• you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
• you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
• you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
• you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).
• you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
• your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
• you know who shot J.R.
• this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."