Situations — most commented jokes

Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. (This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. (Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. (This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. (Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)
5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. (And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)
6. Dance naked in front of your pets. (Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong. (You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)
8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. (Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)

1. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3. Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".
5. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. (Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)
6. Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :)
7. Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you "like it that way."
8. Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

• They flip you off - plus 20 points.
• They wave at you - minus 10 points.
  C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.
• They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
40. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
41. Ax Me About Ebonics
42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
43. Boldly Going Nowhere
44. Cat: The Other White Meat
45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
47. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
52. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
56. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
60. So you're a feminist...
    Isn't that precious.
61. I need someone really bad...
    Are you really bad?
62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says...

"How soon do you have to know?"

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.

"I wish I never had to work again." And poof!...

He was back at his desk in the government office!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these!"

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed...

"Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Here's a fun tongue twister.

Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.

Read it LOUD and REAL FAST...see if you can do it!

DON'T read the instructions until you get it right!!!

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom :)